TRAUMA BONDING

 


TRAUMA BONDING: WHY IT’S SO HARD TO LEAVE PEOPLE WHO HURT YOU

 

WHAT IS TRAUMA BONDING?

A trauma bond is a strong, unhealthy emotional tie that develops between an abused person and their abuser. It happens through a repeating cycle of abuse and affection. This cruel pattern makes it very hard for a person to leave a toxic relationship. It explains why we stay in hurtful relationships.

 WHY IT’S SO HARD TO LEAVE PEOPLE WHO HURT YOU

Growing up in Africa, we’re told family is everything and love means staying. But what if the person you love is also the person hurting you? That push-pull  love + hurt + hope  has a name. It’s called trauma bonding.And it’s not weakness.

Think of it like this:

Hurt → Apology → Good times → Hurt again → Repeat

Your brain starts to link that person with both pain and relief. So leaving feels like withdrawal.It can happen in:

·       Romantic relationships : “He shouts, but then he buys me flowers”

·       Family : “My parent is harsh, but they also provide for me”

·       Friendships – “She talks behind my back, but she’s been there for me”

·       Work/Community : Bosses, leaders, church relationships.

 5 SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE TRAUMA BONDED

The highs are HIGH and the lows are LOW

When things are good, it feels like the best relationship ever.

You make excuses for them

“He’s just stressed" "She didn’t mean it” “That’s just how our family is”

Leaving feels impossible, even when it’s bad

You’ve tried to leave 3 times but went back.

You confuse intensity with love

The drama, the chasing, the apologies feel like "passion"

You feel alone without them, even if they hurt you

The thought of life without them causes panic

Sound familiar? You’re not crazy. Your brain is doing what brains do to survive.

 WHY IS IT SO COMMON HERE?

In many African homes and communities we’re taught:

·       Don’t air dirty laundry

·       Stay for the kids

·       Blood is thicker than water

·       A real man/woman doesn't quit

So we stay. And the cycle continues. Add money stress, housing, or "what will people say" and the bond gets even stronger.

 HOW DO YOU START BREAKING A TRAUMA BOND?

This is hard, and you don’t have to do it alone.

Step 1: Name it

Saying "This is a trauma bond, not love" removes the confusion.

Step 2: Get outside perspective

Talk to a trusted friend, pastor, counselor, or support group. Isolation keeps the bond strong.

Step 3: Go "No Contact" or "Low Contact"

Every text, every "let’s talk" resets the cycle. Distance helps your brain reset.

Step 4: Rebuild YOU

Remember who you were before the relationship. Hobbies, friends, faith, goals.

Step 5: Professional help

A therapist or social worker can help you unlearn the cycle. This is especially important if there was abuse. 





HEALING IS POSSIBLE

 Breaking a trauma bond feels like grief. Because you are grieving the hope, the good times, the person you wished they were.But on the other side is peace. Relationships without walking on eggshells. Love without fear.You deserve that.

FINAL THOUGHT

In Africa we’re taught to endure. But endurance doesn’t mean staying where you’re being broken. Sometimes the bravest thing is to choose yourself.A family meeting, a honest conversation, or walking away  all of those can start with one decision: I deserve better.

Have you ever felt stuck in a cycle like this? You’re not alone. The organizations below can assist you further.

 Gender-Based Violence Command Centre: Call 0800 428 428 (24/7 toll-free) or dial *120*7867# for a callback service.

  LifeLine National Counselling Line: Call 0861 322 322 for around-the-clock emotional support and trauma crisis management.

 SADAG Helpline: Call 0800 567 567 or 0800 20 50 26 for trauma, mental health, and psychological support lines.

 TEARS Foundation: Visit TEARS Foundation or call *134*7355# for free crisis intervention regarding abusive relationships.

 










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